Grooves and Ruts

by Linda-Marie Barrett

My husband and I often talk about grooves and ruts. The habits that make us happy, healthy, and even move a dream along, are grooves. Those that don't bring any positives, that tend to hold us back, are ruts. Sometimes we need a chat about what’s going on. Are we in a rut, or is this a groove? It’s a good question to put to any repetitive part of my life. Why am I doing this thing? Because it’s easy? Because I’ve always done it? Because it makes me happy? Or does it? That nightly glass of wine used to feel like a groove, until it didn’t. I no longer tolerate alcohol and gave it up. I’m glad I don’t drink anymore anyway; in ways I hadn’t realized, alcohol was doing me no favors.

When you’re a creature of habit, the groove versus rut discernment is tricky.  I’ve suffered enough adrenalized situations, thank you very much, and find the predictability of routine quite comforting. Still I have to check in when I sense I’m becoming too set in my ways. I can hem myself in with structure, which is both friend and jailor.

Those little rituals that hold up under scrutiny as grooves are essentials in my tool kit, or even trauma kit, depending on what I’m up against. Like the gentle patter of rain on the roof or the cozy feel of a soft warm blanket on a cold night, these habits keep me in my happy place. 

My Top Grooves:

• Making coffee. I love my coffee inky dark and caffeinated, lightened with half and half, my only non-vegan pleasure. I use a french press, pouring boiling water over the ground coffee, swirling the liquid with a spoon, then letting it sit for 4-5 minutes before plunging and pouring.  That first sip is pure bliss. And the smell, heaven. I’ve been drinking coffee since childhood, and I bless its existence every day.

• Brisk morning walks with my husband along nature paths or city streets. We give each other pep talks to make it happen, and always feel better after. Walking 3+ miles daily helps me de-stress and stay fit.

• Crunchy peanut butter slathered on a sizable piece of dark chocolate as a lunch treat or even substitute. This could be a rut, but I insist it’s still a groove. It makes me so happy!

• Warm baths with wood-scented bath salts. I use a bath caddy that holds my book, a face towel, and a glass of water or mug of tea. Luxury!

• Moisturizing with natural oils or lotions. These products are exceptions to my frugality. I’m a sucker for high-end body products for my skin type, and admittedly own far too many. I treat my skin, especially in winter, after every bath or shower and this form of self-care always picks me up.

• Diffusing essential oils. I purchase a wide array of oils, and enjoy setting the mood with custom blends. I have a diffuser for the main part of the house, where I use scents that smell clean and citrusy, and one for the office, where I hope to encourage thoughtfulness, reflection, and calm.

• Herbal teas. I love herbal tea almost as much as I love coffee, and drink both out of mugs that fit just right in my hands, hold the liquid’s warmth, and are beautiful. 

• Reading. I cannot imagine a day without reading. I only read physical books, and always read before bed. Nothing better than a laugh out loud romcom to close out the day, but I read almost all genres.

• Crossword puzzles. They’re the best for focusing my mind on the present, distracting from work stress, and exercising vocabulary muscles. I transition between work and dinner with crossword puzzles. My favorite place to do puzzles is cuddled up in my egg chair on the front porch. I always do them on airplanes.

• Bullet journaling. Time with my bullet journal, which is both planner and diary, makes the rest of my day and week go so much more smoothly. I reflect, I dream, I draw, I witness on the page. 

• Watching tv with my husband after dinner. I make tea, he makes a cocktail, and we both grab a dessert before settling in on the couch together under a quilted blanket. Could it get more hygge?

Ruts. The following are things I struggle with. I have stepped out of many ruts during the last eleven years of a more thoughtful and intentional life, but hell, I’m human. Here are the top 5 ruts I wish I weren’t doing every day:

• Checking People magazine and other celebrity sites. I used to think this was harmless, but now I see it as insidious. I’m exposing my brain to levels of advertising and hyped up personal drama that I’m likely not even conscious of. 

• Participating in social media. It can be great for staying in touch with my farflung family, but it’s also a place of oversharing and perfectionism. And a big time-suck. I am mindful of my social media time these days.

• Doomscrolling the news. This is obvious. It doesn’t help my mental health.

• Checking my weight on the scale. Is this even necessary? I mean, my pants let me know with unvarnished honesty what’s going on with my weight.

• Ruminating, especially when I turn the lights off, on dreams deferred or lost. 

As I get older, I accept more easily life’s complications and dark corners, without giving up on little changes to live a more joyful life. Some grooves will stay with me, some ruts the same, despite my best efforts. I find comfort in the serenity prayer which, along with the footprints in the sand poem, are on old bookmarks I kept from my mom’s things. And I find ease in the lyric in Leonard Cohen’s Anthem: 

Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack, a crack in everything

That's how the light gets in.